Post Wedding Emotions

Just before getting married, I wrote an entry about life after the wedding. I wasn't sure where I would be emotionally after the wedding was over. The idea is that you spend weeks, months, sometimes even years preparing for an event that is over in a single day. Emotionally, it places a lot of pressure on the bride and groom. I felt that I was highly susceptible to experiencing post-wedding depression for a number of reasons, but namely because the wedding was a distraction from my stressful job, an excuse to stay in touch with long-distance friends and family, and a great creative motivator. As of May 26th, all of the crafting, socializing, and planning has come to a screeching halt.

I won't lie, the day after our wedding was pretty rough. Not only did we watch as all of our out-of-town family and friends left, but we also returned to our apartment to find the sad remnants of our special day. After the wedding my family was tasked with clearing all of our belongings out of the venue. Everything was loaded up and dropped off at our apartment while Mr. C and I were at a hotel in downtown Athens. There were boxes of milk glass, a trash bag full of our beautiful centerpiece flowers, unopened wedding gifts and cards, a bag of uneaten macarons. There was barely any space to move around our living room! So we sat down and started to clear it out. We broke down boxes, we tossed out the flowers, we boxed up the milk glass that I spent over a year collecting. It was hard and there were definitely tears from both of us. The worst part is when we opened our photo guestbook for the first time. There were so many great photos and sweet messages. Seeing the photos of guests who only hours earlier had been in our presence totally opened the floodgates. We were both a total mess for most of the day. You see, the major bulk of both of our families lives hours away from us. It was such a treat to have our family all together for the weekend, to watch our family interact with our coworkers and friends. It was hard to see them go and watch life return to normalcy.

Photography by Christopher Helm

This is where I am so very glad that we decided to leave for our honeymoon the day after the wedding. I definitely recommend this if you think you might suffer from post-wedding depression. We had enough time the day after the wedding to see some of our family off, to clean up our apartment, pack a few last minute items, and then make it to the airport just in time for our flight to Paris. But I cried the entire car ride to the airport. In fact, Mr. C had to stop for gas and I had to go into the gas station to buy tissues. I was a hot mess! My head was reeling with so many emotions: the vows, spending time with my dad, seeing my mom and dad chatting together for the first time in 15 years, the total outpouring of love we experienced. But as soon as we were on the plane, it all melted away. We were about to go on a great adventure and see Paris and Malta!

Instagram photo by my stepsister.

By the time we returned home from the honeymoon, the post-wedding letdown had run its course. I felt just fine, no post-wedding depression in sight. Even so, there was definitely a feeling of "loss" -- I kept thinking that there was something I should be doing, some wedding task waiting to be completed. Nearly a month later I still feel the same sense of loss, as if something is missing. But that might also come from the fact I'm a teacher on summer vacation and usually I do have a million things (lessons to plan, copies to make, essays to grade, grades to enter, etc) that I should be doing. But you know what? I'm glad it's over. I'm glad the wedding stress is gone. I'm glad I don't have to check The Knot's wedding checklist anymore (and subsequently freak out over the dozens of tasks waiting to be completed). I'm glad the wedding nightmares have ended. I'm glad a portion of my paycheck is no longer being signed away to wedding day details. The wedding was fun, it was amazing, but it's done and I'm ready to move on. Honestly, this response has really surprised me as I thought I would be an emotional wreck. If we hadn't left straight for the honeymoon after the wedding, I think things would have been much different.

Some post-wedding emotions have surprised me though. I've felt some strange pangs of guilt. Guilt about some family and friends I barely spoke to at the reception. Guilt about all the trouble and expense my brother went through to DJ at the wedding reception (even though people tell me he had the time of his life). Guilt about barely being by Mr. C's side during the rehearsal dinner. Guilt about the time and money some of my friends spent to be a part of our wedding. I realize that people do these things because they want to, but I can't help feeling a little guilty. I even felt guilty opening wedding gifts -- what did we do to deserve them? I also feel bummed out by some things that did not go as planned, which I realize is normal. We didn't get to have a sparkler exit (because I was stupid and misplaced the sparklers). I wish our reception had been even one hour longer or we had started the ceremony earlier. There are some photos we just didn't have time to take. But c'est la vie. What can you do but take the good with the bad in stride and keep moving forward?

Some people have asked me if I feel different now that I am married, or if my relationship with Mr. C has changed. Not so much. But there is that feeling of, "Wow, this person has chosen to stick by me for this rest of his life?" That's a powerful and humbling notion. I can't believe someone loves enough to make that commitment, someone who has seen me at my absolute best and my rock-bottom worst. It's empowering, comforting, and strange all at the same time. But I'm so happy and so lucky to call Mr. C my husband.

Overall, I'm very content with life right now. I can finally rest, relax, and recharge. I'm so glad to be married to Mr. C and we are still enjoying our newlywedded bliss. Plus we now we have our professional photos (as you may have noticed above) and we absolutely love them. I can't wait to start my wedding recaps!

What about you? How did you feel when your wedding was over? Were you distressed or relieved? A mix of the two? Did your relationship with your partner change after your marriage?

Healing the Past: Family Drama and the Wedding

My parents divorced when I was 13 years old, and it was a nasty, bitter split. My dad left my mom for another woman. Not an upgrade or trophy wife, but a woman his age with three young children. He moved to the other side of the country and several years later he remarried. While I have since forgiven my father, my mother has not. In fact, my mother has never met my stepmother. My mother understandably has a lot of old wounds from the divorce. She had a really hard time recovering (it took years) and I think even now, even though she has remarried and moved to Illinois with her husband, she has not forgiven nor forgotten the past. 

The last time my parents were in the same room together was in 2006 when my mom was seeing me off at the airport when I was moving to Japan. My dad also happened to be there as he was flying through Atlanta (he's a commercial airline pilot) on a trip. I won't lie -- it was awkward. I remember standing there and feeling red in the face, hands sweaty. My dad looked incredibly uncomfortable. I was so thankful when it was over, but then I cried realizing it was the first time I'd seen them both together, at the same time, in ten years. Even at 30 years old, the idea of having a photo taken with my mom and dad at my wedding still makes me tear up. Old emotions like this don't heal and disappear, they lurk under the surface of your skin; they resurface at Christmas, on birthdays, whenever I think about being able to go "home" which doesn't exist anymore. 

Always over the years, the one thing that has been cycling through the back of my mind is: what's going to happen when I get married? Even when I was in relationships that I knew had no future potential, even when I was single, it was always a worry that would surface from time to time: what happens when my mother, who can be at times very volatile and irrational, finally meets the woman who she believes destroyed her marriage? 

I don't want to get too detailed about the events of the divorce or what my older brother and I endured in our teen years, but suffice it to say that very little was handled with dignity or, in many cases, sanity. It was bad and things were crazy. Even though I love my mother very much, it's actually been a lot harder for me to forgive my mother for her actions and behavior than it was for me to forgive my father. I know people may have a hard time understanding this, but without airing everyone's business you will just have to withhold judgement.

To further complicate things, Mr. C's parents are also divorced. His father remarried and his mother is now single and living on her own. Of course, there are always going to be old, bitter or perhaps resentful emotions in such situations. I know that there have been some situations between Mr. C's parents in the past. Thankfully they both have a working, amicable relationship together so it's not quite as intense or drastic as my parents' relationship (or lack thereof). But it's still something I worry about. 

So here we are, days from the wedding, and all of these emotions that I've been pushing away under more pressing concerns (work, planning, projects) are suddenly resurfacing. What's going to happen? Will everyone behave like adults and enjoy themselves? How will things go at the rehearsal dinner when we will all be there together for the first time? Weddings are incredibly emotional for everyone and I hope it's not enough to push anyone over the edge. 

It may sound weird but really my biggest concern is that everyone is able to enjoy themselves at the wedding. I don't want my mom to treat the wedding as a competition. I want her to relax and enjoy being with her family and meeting Mr. C's family for the first time. I feel the same for my dad and stepmother. They are paying for a considerable chunk of our wedding and I want them to enjoy it. I don't want them to worry about my mom acting out. I don't want them to shy away from being affectionate with each other or dancing together. I want everyone to get along and I want everyone to have fun. I hope the wedding provides some closure for our families. 

I don't know what's going to happen on my wedding day. I hope that what everyone keeps telling me is true: that our parents will realize that this day is about Mr. C and me and our love and not about their pasts. I want to believe that is true, but I also have seen things in the past that haunt me today. But I will have faith and believe that everything will go smoothly. And the best part is that the day is about Mr. C and me rising above our pasts and forging a new union. Together we are creating a new family, a new home, and not one split by divorce and resentment, but one with love, laughter, and adventure.

So my question to you is: If you have parents who endured a highly emotional or possibly even destructive divorce, how did things go at your wedding? 

Daddy's Girl

I recently watched Father of the Bride for the first time. I was looking for something to get me excited about the wedding and sometimes wedding films have a certain magical, nostalgic appeal. Mr. C warned me that I would likely cry, and I did. The worst part? When Steve Martin's character was up late the night before the wedding reminiscing about his daughter's childhood and her transformation into an adult. I cried, oh I cried. I'm telling you, something about planning a wedding has you constantly on the verge of tears. But apart from that, I am such a daddy's girl that it hit a very soft spot for me.

Do you sometimes imagine your wedding and try to predict the moments where you will become the most emotional? I think that moment is a toss up between the father-daughter dance and when I will look at my dad before walking down the aisle. How in the world will I overcome such emotional moments without turning into a hot mess of ugly tears and nerves? No one wants to see the bride bawling her eyes out as she walks down the aisle. And the father-daughter dance? Don't even get me started.

Just after I was born: March 20, 1983.

My dad and I have always been really close and I like to think that all the really awesome parts of me are from my dad's influence. At a young age he instilled within me a love for history, art, reading, and nature. He has always encouraged me, picked me up when I was down, and helped me develop a healthy self-esteem. He raised me to be a strong, independent woman. Through all my weird phases, he has stood by my side (or on the other end of the phone) and listened as I described the most recent book, TV show, anime, or movie I was obsessing over. He's always made me feel unconditionally loved and accepted.

My dad knows exactly how to quell the irrational fears and worries that I sometimes manage to conjure up. He finds a way to ground me and make me feel a little more sane and rational. He also gives great advice and he's always been the best listener. Some men are problem solvers and when they listen they do it with the intent to offer advice and remedies. My dad learned early on that sometimes people just want to talk, and he has always been there to quietly listen and offer his advice only when warranted. And it's never about him. He never complains about his life or his problems to me. He is kind, gentle, funny (in that pun-using dad sort of way) and he is the reason why I've always dated men who treat me with the utmost respect. He's also the reason I am marrying a man who not only respects me, but who loves me unequivocally for exactly who I am. Through his example he taught me that I should settle for nothing less.

He read to me constantly as a child. I can still vividly remember the books he read to me and I know they all played a pivotal role in turning me into a lifelong reader. The Little Prince, The Secret Garden and The Westing Game were some of my favorites. He encouraged me to wear sneakers with my dress on the first day of school in first grade. He took me to Dragon*Con in middle school so I could meet the actor who played Boba Fett in Star Wars (I still have the autographed poster, by the way). He built me swings and forts in our backyard. He took me to New York City, Philadelphia, and Washington D.C. so I could visit some of America's best museums. He introduced me to Terry Gilliam's films when I was eleven and I've loved the movie Brazil ever since. When I was fifteen he patiently taught me to drive a stick shift (and at the time I hated every minute of it) but to this day I refuse to own an automatic transmission vehicle. He once flew from LA to Atlanta just to load up my mom's minivan with my friends and me so he could take us to an anime convention in Atlanta. He was recently in Atlanta on a layover (he's a pilot for Delta Airlines) and he took Mr. C and me to Costco to buy us a grocery cart full of alcohol for our wedding. (By the way, are you getting the gist here that I was an uberdork growing up? Spoiler alert: I'm still an uberdork).

My parents were divorced when I was 13 and my dad moved to California shortly afterwards. That was tough for me, very tough. It felt like I was losing my father. Even at 30 years old, it still doesn't hurt any less that I missed out on having my dad around when I was a teenager. Even so, he would fly out to Atlanta once every week or so to see me. He still came to my school plays. He got to see me and my friends off before our senior prom. He might not have been around every day, but I was (and still am) thankful that he was in my life, regardless of the difficult circumstances.

With my older brother when we were living in Alabama.

I'm turning 30 tomorrow (I'm serious denial) and he gave me the sweetest card that had me in instant tears. Here's what he wrote: "A baby cries. 'It's a girl!' A man smiles. Heart full of pure and true happiness. Thirty years pass. He still smiles wishing for you all the happiness you deserve. All my love, Dad." Wow, I can't even type that out without tearing up!

At Todaiji Temple in Nara, taken when my dad visited me when I was living Japan.

It did not take me long to pick our song for the father-daughter dance. In fact, I've had it in the back of my mind for years, even before meeting Mr. C. When I was little, my dad used to sing me to sleep. He'd sing me all sorts of songs, songs that I will hear every so often, and though I don't remember ever learning the lyrics, I know every word. Among them, "Sweet Baby James" by James Taylor, "Waltzing Matilda," and "I Will" by the Beatles. I've always loved "I Will" so much. In fact, I thought it was called the "Miss Camel Song" for most of my early childhood. "I Will" was such a natural, easy choice, even if it is an emotionally charged one! And it's also rather short, which means I won't have to suffer through emotional turmoil for long. 

Here are the lyrics: 

Who knows how long I've loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to, I will.

For if I ever saw you
I didn't catch your name 
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.

Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we're together
Love you when we're apart.

And when at last I find you 
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
Oh, you know, I will
I will.

My dad in his natural habitat. 

In Father of the Bride a father is forced to face the reality that his little girl has grown up. He must reconcile the memories of his daughter as a child with the woman she has become. I hope my own father knows that even though I've grown up and I'm getting married, I will always be his little girl. The same little girl who stays up too late reading. The same little girl who loves The Neverending Story and listening to the Beatles' White Album. The girl who can get lost in an encyclopedia. The girl who thinks Boba Fett is so cool, who enjoys crafting things, who is always using her creativity. The fiery, spirited, and independent girl who is dreaming up her next big adventure. But most of all, I hope he knows that I'm the same little girl who loves her dad so very, very much.